Passion is described as an extremely intense, barely controllable emotion caused by a strong belief. What is one of the definitions of crazy? Being passionate or extremely enthusiastic, wild about, almost fanatical about something. These words are synonyms and yet have such a different connotation when used to describe someone’s actions. It’s been 2 1/2 months since my surgery and I am feeling like my “old self”. The question is, which “old self”? The one that used to quietly worship, always asking for the Lord’s guidance and was considered passionate about life. Or the new “crazy” one that likes to speak publicly about my Lord, my blog and my mission in life, “To Help Others in Need.”
The type of surgery I had on April 8 is the most difficult one your body can go through. I had very little pain from the actual surgery, thanks to the Lord standing beside me every step of the way. However, I had a lot of strange complications due to having a lazy gut that just didn’t want to wake up and still likes to take a lot of naps even now. Everyone wanted to blame my kind surgeon for issues that were caused by my IBS issues that I didn’t even know I had until the second trip to the ER confirmed what the first one said….I had a lazy gut! This wrong placed blame is so typical of how we all are….assume the worst of someone and never look for the true answers to a problem…..often such a simple one that it couldn’t possibly be true.
What has been the absolute worst most painful thing since April 8? Some of my family still suggest that the change in my behavior cannot possibly be because the Holy Spirit has graced my soul. This change must be some type of chemical imbalance and therefore they demand to speak with my physician so that I can be forced to be seen by psychiatrist. I suggested that we leave it up to my doctor and to God to decide whether I need any help. After all, I have been working with a therapist and a church counselor, and neither of them think there is anything wrong with me, other than I need time to heal, internally, externally and mentally.
As I have been learning from our Church series about Jonah, it is so tempting to run from God during times of stress and pain…just go back to the way things used to be, as my mother first recommended. It just seemed impossible that God had time to talk with me every day, to stay be my side at night when I was alone, she thought. Heal the family, admit you are wrong about your feelings for God, just let everything go back to the way it was before the surgery, she encouraged me.
The problem with running away from God, is that your life will never be complete, you will always be hiding from the truth inside of you. If you open your heart and actually take time to listen to what God wants, then there is no turning back. You simply embrace the new and improved person you have become and you listen and wait to hear what plans God has for you, like in Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and a hope.” God has given me hope and a future, one that I have shared with a few people and one that I will share more about in tomorrow’s post, called Giving 360.
Here is the truth about what I am going to do to please my family members. I am not going to go to any other doctors other than the ones I already trust with my health and healing. I am not crazy, merely passionate about a few important things in my life. I place God before all others in my life, including my husband, son and mother. I am a proud outspoken Christian, not afraid to offend. I am very passionate about my mission in life, to help others in need. I have very strong principals that I will not waiver on. Seems like a pretty simple, honest way to lead my life.
I will not turn away from God to please other people, even those in my immediate family. The past 2 1/2 months have been downright lonely at times, what with everyone thinking I must be out of my mind. I just prayed and asked for God’s guidance and strength, never to “fix my problems”, but rather to give me comfort in my times of fear of the darkness that surrounded me. Like during my drive alone to the ER, while laying there while the kind doctor had to proceed with no anesthesia, then recovering hours later alone with no one around to care for me except for the kind nurses and doctors. Those were the times that God gave me strength, love and hope.
He told me to be courageous and hopeful of the future to come. How do I know this? Because I was slipping away that night in the ER, my body started relaxing from the intense pain that had caused my frantic trip to the ER alone, even though no medication was given to me. The pain left all of a sudden, and I felt like I was totally relaxed, like I was laying on a hammock, drinking a fruity concoction with an umbrella in it, while the doctor was preparing his tools. The nurses kept shaking me, begging me to stay with them, but it just felt so good to have no pain for the first time in 6 weeks, like no sleep had ever felt before. I kept hearing them say to me, “Brenda, come back to us…don’t leave us….” but I just didn’t want to wake up. Then the doctor stuck his scalpel in and I came soaring back to earth.
I didn’t see any white lights or tunnels or anything else that people have described when they died and came back to life. I just felt at peace, with no pain, completely relaxed and not feeling alone or abandoned by my family. I will never fear death, because I believe in God, who guides me every day, his son Jesus Christ, who died to save me from my sins, and the Holy Spirit which fills my soul with happiness and joy every moment of my life. This Holy Trinity will keep me safe and loved the rest of my life, no matter what happens to me along my journey of life.
I am a witness for God, a first hand witness of the love and hope that Christianity can bring to your lives if you truly believe and let God guide you, every small step of your life. If you need to ask more questions, need more guidance, have concerns about whether you are worthy of the Lord, have concerns about your sins or even wonder about your spiritual life here on earth and in Heaven, it is really simple. Just open your heart, ask for forgiveness and believe.…believe with all your heart….believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins, so that you can have eternal life. It really is just that easy….just believe.